Posted on by Odi · 2 Comments

Confronting the Imposter in the Mirror

This season of my life has been particularly challenging; not only was getting my manuscript out of the way difficult, but also establishing myself as a researcher has been frightening.   Part of my problem is feeling like a fake and as if I don’t really belong.

As I mentioned in SAYAS profile, I took time to be a homemaker for a few years before deciding to embark on my doctorate and I felt that I was re-entering the field on the back foot. To be honest, the processing of getting a supervisor who believed in my project was gruelling, as most people I approached were put off by the fact that there was such a large gap in my resumé. The look on the faces of several illustrious professors when they found out that I was actually a stay-at-home parent was indescribably disheartening. Many a time I was ready to give up. My lowest moment came when I was outright rejected by my intended supervisor without him even asking about my proposed project or even reading a single thing I wrote. I eventually found someone who was willing to take me on but that was just the first part of the several hurdles I would have to face — the largest being my own insecurity.

Gill Corkindale describes the imposter syndrome as being “as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success”. I think her definition is pretty accurate but doesn’t capture something that is making academia a particularly unfriendly environment – the academy as a whole does not easily accommodate outsiders. And women are still the primary outsiders. I say this because I realised over the years that as a woman, you are constantly trying to prove your intelligence in male-dominated fields, and in a millisecond, the value of your contribution can be diminished by a senior male colleague making careless statements such as “the doors would fly open because there are few women in the field” or “we need a female to meet our gender requirement”. Such remarks lessen the value of your contribution and creates the impression that the only reason that you are there is because you happen to be a woman and not because you are capable. Moreover, if you are not careful, such insidious remarks bury themselves deep in your psyche and you begin to doubt your ability.

I believe the academy at times frowns on outliers. Even though universities are the supposed homes to critical thinkers, I have personally seen higher education institutions repeatedly shoving people into epistemic and behavioural boxes. It is only when you have a truly progressive dean or head of department, that you are able to explore your research and self-presentation from non-traditional angles. Without such overt support, your self-esteem will be further eroded: at the best of times it’s difficult to think in a new way, and critical thinking needs nurturing.

I recently had to present my paper to a room full of academics and policy practitioners and I spent days hoping that I would fall sick so that someone else read my paper. Luckily, I came across TED talk on YouTube by Professor Amy Cuddy titled “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are”. She basically argued that how you carry yourself affects not only how you feel about yourself but also your ultimate performance. In the remaining 48 hours before the talk I decided to put some of her suggestions into practice, I worked on some of the power poses that she suggests and I must admit that I felt very authoritative (but still a tad nervous) when the day came. I was confident on the podium, and for the first time in a long while I felt as if I belonged. And I started to see a change in myself.

I know it will be a while before my new-found confidence will become truly part of me. But right now I’m walking the walk, and it’s really boosting my self-esteem. Call me an optimist but I do believe that there will be a future in academia where women  will not have to pretend confidence in the face of constant micro-aggression and bias. Change starts with refusing to suffer in silence.

Posted on by Odi · 2 Comments

Calenture: when you start to go adrift during PhD

Before my PhD journey I heard stories of the depression and sheer mental exhaustion that you may experience whilst pursuing this degree. I thought I had understood the feeling and to a large extent beat it with my numerous schedules and plans.   To quote Robert Burns: “The best laid schemes of mice and men, go oft astray.” Which basically means that no matter how fantastic your plans, something will still go wrong- and in my case it did, spectacularly.

Everything came to a head about a month ago when I had to make cosmetic changes to my final thesis manuscript. The changes that should have taken me an afternoon took weeks. I would open my laptop and look at it and forget how to do simple things such as change the font in my manuscript. I kept getting very terrible colds, which is unlike me, and I was a teary mess.

I realised then that I was suffering from PhD-induced blues and was teetering on the edge of depression.

I want to share four helpful things that have managed to get me to slowly emerge from this funk.

First things first, talk to someone. The best person to talk to is a mental health professional or your pastor /spiritual guide. Talking is therapeutic, especially if it is someone who is level headed and has your best interests in mind. I did speak to my loved ones about aspects of what I was feeling and trying to pinpoint some of the root causes.

Second, is focus on self –care. I realised that in my quest to finish my work I was no longer looking after myself. I had stopped exercising, eating healthily or even drinking water. I subsisted on my kid’s left overs, sour jellybeans and coffee. And for the longest time this didn’t bother me because all my colleagues were doing the same. But my melt-down forced me to change. I’m making little changes every day, the first being drinking water and minimising caffeine. Scheduling self-care has given me a better outlook on life and a lot more energy to get things done.

Third, do a little bit at a time: don’t convince yourself you can do it all with one big effort. I made a list of things that I had to do and tried to achieve them in 15-minute chunks- I got the idea from Jon Acuff’s Do Over challenge. To be honest, some days are better than others, but I managed to get my manuscript done and hopefully the examiners are kind and don’t require me to do too many revisions.
Lastly, help someone else. It sounds really crazy when you are time-pressed and tapped out, but it really does make a difference to your sense of well being. Being kind to someone else is a great reminder that the world does not revolve around your PhD. I am not talking about doing research work for free. I’m talking about doing things like charity work, or even something as simple as helping someone move house or donating your previously loved clothing to a worthy cause. Great opportunities are available with Stop Hunger and BetterSA, but there are many fantastic options available. Just be careful that this doesn’t become another form of procrastination.

I am still on this journey for the next few months, as I wait for the examiners’ reports and produce the journal article I need for graduation. I have learnt that during a monumental project such as PhD, self care is important and its ok not to always be ok.