2023 is lurching to an end, and the world is once again possessed by that strange, end-of-year feeling. As we sit in the twilight of 2023, it’s near impossible not to reflect on the year we just survived, and the years we still need to weather. I can feel the weight of the year on my shoulders; I can still taste the anger and pain of the bad days; I can still grasp the warmth and joy of the good days; I’m still not totally sure if I’m using semi-colons correctly. But right now, when I sit and look back at this year, I feel proud. I feel energised, invigorated – more than I’ve felt in a hot minute (and take it from a biometeorologist, the minutes are only getting hotter each year). I don’t think this is necessarily normal, and it’s entirely possible I’ve lost my fragile mind, but if the price of happiness is insanity, I’ll pay it every time! So, indulge me, dear reader, and let me regale you with the tale of my journey through 2023…

I can still remember the day in January, when I showed my parents my first SAYAS blog. I can still remember how excited I was to see people’s reactions, to see people following me on Twitter (it’s called X now, but I’m loath to call it that), and to have a creative outlet where I could write all the weird things I want to write. Our poor editor has had her hands full trying to streamline all of my verbose nonsense, and her guidance has been of immeasurable value. Writing these blogs has been a highlight of my year, because I am without a doubt, my own biggest fan. I cannot even begin to describe how fun it was to make the vlogs! I don’t know why SAYAS let me make half the things I made, but I will be forever grateful for the opportunity.

Aside from SAYAS, this year was defined by non-stop academic triumph! And a lot of burn out and imposter syndrome, but mostly academic triumph! I don’t think I’ve told you yet, dear reader, but I recently submitted my dissertation for examination! I have spent the last few days celebrating with everyone I love most – revelling, rejoicing, basking, and, yes, even exulting a time or two. It has been a wonderful couple of days, dear reader. I started the year knee deep in data collection for my research. There is such a joy to conducting research, learning new things, and contributing to the creation of knowledge – and one of the most exciting parts of that process for me was collecting data through interviews. Starting to see patterns emerging in the data, and actually starting to form answers for the questions you’ve been asking is immensely rewarding. Taking all of the data I collected, analysing it, and pulling it all together into a cohesive argument was both challenging and electrifying. Knowing that you’re approaching the end of your dissertation – getting that much closer to the end of your degree – is a feeling like nothing else. I felt genuinely emotional when I looked at my complete dissertation, gripped by a sense of disbelief. There were so many days where I thought I was a failure, that I would never complete my degree, that I was wasting everyone’s time. Reading through my work, thinking about all the effort behind it, made me feel strong. It made me feel confident. It seems silly to have doubted myself so much, to have had such little faith in myself.

This year reminded me that I don’t suck as much as I think I do. The year reminded me that I shouldn’t give into malaise and stagnation, that it’s important to feel passionate, and excited about the things you’re doing. 2023 reminded me that I need to trust myself more, that I can be the person I want to be as long as I am willing to put in the effort. This year was a hard year. This year was a good year. I don’t know what the next year will bring, but I know I’m going to get through it. It has been a great privilege to share my writing with you, dear reader. I’m going to miss you, but I’m sure we’ll meet again… Until next time, thank you.

My life is like a game of Jenga – still in its early stages, but already dancing on the brink of violent collapse. Over the years, I have watched the pieces move, moved the pieces myself, and seen the tower tremble. As the game goes on, the stakes grow higher, and each decision bears more weight. For me, attending university was an exercise in growth – a move towards a life without a safety net. And there are a couple of things I’d do differently, if given the chance. It’s healthy to look back and recognise you’d change some things. It shows you’ve grown, and learnt, and you should be proud of that! People who claim to have no regrets are either lying to you, or they have terrible judgement, and I would never lie to you, dear reader! I do, however, have terrible judgement. So, let’s talk about all the things I’d do differently if I could restart my degree now…

The first thing I’d do is schedule a haircut. The second thing I’d do is find better friends. The haircut is important, but the friend issue was an oft recurring problem. If you know me, or if you look at any picture of me for more than five seconds, you’ll know I can’t say “no”. It’s such a problem. Every friend will one day ask you to sign a register for them, speak to their tutor over the phone, pretending to be their dying grandmother, or dress up as them to write their exam (and, just to be clear, I’ve not done this). It’s the campus experience (and slightly illegal)! I’m not condoning doing any of that, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t help your friends, but boundaries are important. I had friends who didn’t attend a single lecture, but who used my notes to excel in their classes. I had friends who asked me to write the entirety of their assignments – without pay (not that that matters)! I have done so many group projects – with my friends as group members – where I have done everything, and they still didn’t prepare their part of the presentation. Only one of my friends did prepare, and they didn’t use the cue cards I wrote; they badly memorised the Wikipedia page on the topic we were covering. And I didn’t say a thing.

Not one assignment passed without friends asking me to send them a copy of my work, the night before it was due. They “just want to see the structure” and, they can’t get into it, but “things have been so overwhelming”. You should be there for your friends, but that doesn’t include sending them your work to plagiarise. I cannot stress this point enough. I know students whose entire academic careers have been upended because of this. In some cases, it was someone they trusted, while other times, their friend shared their work with people they had never even met. Some people will call you selfish for standing up for yourself. When you’re insecure, and afraid of disappointing people, there’s a good chance you’ll believe them; but you deserve better, and you will find better. You’re not being selfish when you’re protecting yourself.   

Finally, I’d change the way I coped with psychological stress. My marks were never better than when my life was falling apart. During my second year of university, my friend group was collapsing, my relationship ended, and someone important to me passed away. My grades skyrocketed. If you asked me at the time, I would have said I was coping using sublimation – where you channel your painful emotions into a positive activity. Really, I was practicing repression – where you stuff your emotions deep down in yourself, then get surprised when those emotions don’t evaporate, but instead fester and metastasise. I refused to acknowledge my hurt, distracting myself with work, and I thought it was healthy because my marks were great. But the things I repressed in my second year made me spiral during my third, and final year of undergrad because I refused to face them. I’m so much better at dealing with my emotions now, at maintaining a healthy work-life balance. I am so much more secure in myself, and I’m not worried to lose people by standing up for myself. It takes a lot of time and a lot of practice, but eventually it becomes easier, eventually we grow and we learn.

You know, the fun thing about Jenga is, when the tower falls, everyone just laughs and rebuilds it. Your mistakes won’t mean the end of the world. You just have to learn from them.