Posted on by Perspectives

Was the swan really ugly or was it just different?

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There is an old, old tale of a beautiful swan whose egg accidentally rolls to a pack of a ducks eggs that have not hatched. The swan’s egg hatches later than the duck’s eggs (first thing to be compared) and when it does the swan looks different and said to be the ugliest amongst its ‘siblings’. Yes, you guessed it this is the classic tale of the UGLY DUCKLING. The question I usually ask is “was the swan really ugly or was it just different?”  or “ugly with whose standards of beauty?”. You see, comparison is something we all face and in the journey of postgraduate studies, is unavoidable. How we choose to respond to it makes the difference.

Comparison for me, in a sense, comes with the package of twin-ship. Growing up, my sister and I were subject to a lot of comparisons, things like our height, teeth, hair, intelligence and even something as mundane as the small foot toe, silly right?  I am familiar with comparison if we could smell it, I would easily distinguish it from other smells; if we could taste it, it would be one that my taste buds are all too familiar with and if it were a certain kind of walk, I would be able to spot it from a great distance. When I was younger however, I did not care, it did not matter that I was being compared to my twin sister because she was always with me I actually thought we were being given compliments. My little human thoughts could not have been further from the truth.

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Me and my sister

As I grew older though, I started understanding the difference between compliments and comparison and realized that actually we were being compared more than we were being complimented. Comparison is rarely done to give compliments to people. More often than not, it is for setting them up against each other or to demolish ones spirit while uplifting the other person.   

Having been subject to a lot of comparison has taught me a few things that I would like to share with you. Hopefully, they will encourage to navigate your post-graduate journey being your best self.

  • TRUST YOURSELF:  It does not matter who or what your character or abilities are being compared to, trust yourself. Trusting one’s self is particularly important in postgrad studies because the entire process leading to the completion of studies depends highly on self-confidence. If there is one thing I am certain about is that part of the successful completion of my PhD studies depends on my ability to trust my decisions. Either about which methodology to use (backed by the literature of course), when and how to collect data, which method of analysis is appropriate for my data, deciding on literature is appropriate to use or ultimately writing that paper I want to publish. One of the most fashionable ways comparison is manifested in postgraduate studies is students being compared to each other, even when they are different disciplines, they still get compared to each other. Among its many detrimental consequences, comparison has the devastating ability to kill ones confidence such that you end up asking for everyone’s opinion before making even the simplest decision like which dress or pair of socks to buy. Learn to trust yourself. This of course does not mean that you disregard all forms of advice and become arrogant, it just means you must make your thoughts and decisions about yourself important to you before taking into consideration other people’s opinions. All these come from loving yourself and taking time to knowing yourself.
  • AFFIRM YOURSELF IN YOUR TRUTH:  Your truth is your dreams, abilities, vision for your preferred future, the things you have deemed are possible for you to archive. Affirming yourself in your truth will help you stay focused on yourself. Your truth is also the vision you have for the direction and the impact you want your post-grad studies to have and to take. I would like to believe that as postgraduate students, we all have a vision of the kind of impact we want our studies or projects to have. It helps to constantly affirm yourself in that vision and not get caught up in being compared to people who have their own visions about their studies. Encourage yourself in your truth. The danger of not constantly affirming yourself in your truth is that you slowly and unconsciously start believing the inadequacies and negatives that people’s opinions impose on you and eventually act accordingly.
  • DO UNTO OTHER AS YOU WOULD LIKE THEM TO DO TO YOU: This principle was taught to me very early in life when I was in pre-school. Back then I just thought it was a bible verse that meant “do not bully other kids” and actually I still think that is exactly what it means. The application of this principle is quite simple, the way you treat and love yourself extend the same courtesy to other people. The same way you would not put yourself in a position where you will be belittled and your efforts being unappreciated, do not subject other people to that treatment.

Of course, there is the other side: the good comparison such as comparing people’s work to give back positive feedback, to encourage one to improve their work, someone using past results to compare their work to what has been previously achieved either by them or by someone else. Comparison done in an appropriate manner is good because it can be used as a breeding ground for healthy competition which yields effectiveness.

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So next time when you feel like entertaining someone comparing you to someone else or u feel the need to subject other people to comparison ask yourself IS IT EVEN WORTH IT? It is important to always remember (for yourself and for other people) that sometimes it is not your abilities or your personality that will make people compare you to other people for the purpose of making you feel inferior but it could be because just like the swan you are different to what they are used to, they just need some time to see your true colours.

Posted on by kimberleightommy · 1 Comment

“We need a break, it’s both of us (but more you than me)”

I have said this line to my degree. More than a few times.

I began my undergraduate degree at WITS University in 2011. I was a fresh-faced 18-year-old and had the world at my feet. Then reality set in and I went from being a top achiever at the high school to failing my chemistry block test (“Oh sweet girl, if you only knew you would fail a few more before finally passing”). That was the first time I thought, “We need a break”. BSc undergrad and I had hit a rough patch; my first-year spark was dying down; our love was dwindling. At the time though, as a first generation WITSIE, I knew I could not call it quits. My family had made sacrifices to get me here and BSc and I simply had to work it out. Eventually, we did, a few more downs, a couple of failures (so many) and at the end of it, my marks afforded me the opportunity to join an Honours program.

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Honours was a tough time, the course was intense and it was the first time I had undertaken a ‘big’ research project; a bit overwhelming. I had a great support system in some of my classmates but I was still exhausted, I would leave for campus at 5:45 AM, endure a 30-45 minute bus drive to campus, work all day, get home at 6pm and start working again before an uneasy sleep only to repeat the cycle again the following day. I was tired, I knew it, my family knew it but I justified it by saying “everyone goes through this”. I found myself getting sick frequently as stress was taking a toll on my health. I was unravelling but I did it with a smile on my face because I thought that this was normal and that I had to be grateful. ‘I’m fine’ is the default answer, when it is usually the waving red flag.

After I completed my honours I made an important decision and said: “I think we need a break”. I took time off before my MSc and went to work for a few months. Although there were many contributors to my decision, ultimately I needed time off from my academic path. My supervisors and I stayed in contact and a few months later, they offered me a place in an MSc project that I was really excited about, so I returned in August of 2016. I felt so energised that I decided I wanted to plan my project so that I could complete it within a year. My approach was different, I didn’t work from sunrise until sunset, instead I set myself weekly goals and how much time it took to reach them was completely up to me. I kept my supervisors updated frequently (maybe too frequently) and they were supportive of my approach. One of my advisors had recently relocated back home to America early on in my degree and we had a 10 hour time difference but still managed to make it work (and work well) this showed in my project. It was big, it was stressful but it was flowing, relatively smoothly because I had to supervisors who didn’t see me as a work mule but instead allowed me to thrive through gentle guidance and many open conversations. I am grateful for that support, it is rare in academia.

First graduation (half a smile….)
Most recent graduation (Happy and relaxed)

 

Academia and I broke up once more as I took a year off between my MSc and my PhD (which I am beginning this year) and I went to work full time. To some, it may seem that I am not as dedicated to my degree as students who choose to go through it all in one go but I am dedicated, to myself first and foremost. It is another mechanism to protect myself from breaking; a stop to gain momentum again and make important decisions such as the choice of institution, supervisors and potential projects.

The Guardian published a great article early in 2018 on mental health in universities, more specifically the experience of PhD students. This article also highlighted the ripple effect, stressed senior academics (who are often the product of a flawed system themselves) can often take frustrations out on their students leading to anxiety-ridden postgrads. There are numerous other examples of articles highlighting mental health problems in academia, from different perspectives, in different fields and the fact that it is so common means we can’t write it off as the experience of a few ‘weak’ students because it is clearly a systemic and deeply engrained problem.

A recent study that looked at over 3,500 PhD students in Belgium found that one in two PhD students experienced psychological distress during their PhD. The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) released statistics in October stating that 1 in 4 university students had been diagnosed with depression. Although I think that number is higher because, within our communities, we are taught that mental health and mental illness is not legitimate, it is embarrassing and we do not discuss it. We are yet to examine these statistics in a South African context especially amongst first generation people of colour entering the university space. This demographic often has compounding stresses as we try to survive in a world our families often do not understand but one that we want to thrive in because we feel we owe it to the people we love to do so. I was fortunate to have my family and support system within reach, not many first-generation students do and this is possibly one of the toughest journeys to walk alone.

Academics can’t afford to adopt a ‘well I went through this and I survived’ or a ‘they just were not cut out for it’ mentality when students are dropping out of programs, leaving the field or most saddening of all, taking their own lives. That approach leads to a ‘lost generation’, students who had the potential to succeed but were derailed by unsupportive and negative mentors. As an academic community, we need to address the stigma surrounding mental health problems and work toward an environment and a people that are conscious of their mental wellbeing.