SAYAS BLOG

Got your undergrad degree? “Congratulations!” Got your honours degree? “Wow, keep it up!” Got your Master’s degree? “Amazing! You’re going to THRIVE” Getting your PhD? “…Oh, still studying huh?”.

Can all my fellow PhD buddies raise their hands? This one is for you guys.

I can’t speak for all PhD students, but from what I’ve seen and heard, society doesn’t really understand what doing a PhD means. I’m not even sure they know what it stands for, PhD = Doctor of Philosophy. As a woman in STEM, I feel incredibly proud of how far I’ve come in science, and of the opportunity that I received to do my PhD. However, I don’t always feel this way when I enter a conversation about career trajectories, family goals or financial freedom.

PhD programmes differ in each country and field, some offer coursework in the early years while others (like mine) are conducted by research and I’m only marked on my final thesis so when a person asks me if I’m still “studying”, I always feel conflicted as to how to answer, because the version of “studying” that society knows, i.e. sitting in a library memorizing a pile of books for a series of tests or exams, is not the same as me “studying” pancreatic cancer through working in the lab, analysing my results, and writing up that thesis.

I often blame society. It has not painted us PhD students or even those who have obtained their PhDs in a great light. It often makes us look like boring, introverted, unskilled people. If I had to be vocal about my thoughts towards society, it might go something like this…

Dear Society,

A PhD is a JOB. The only difference is that sometimes the pay isn’t that great but show me a person who doesn’t complain about their pay-check every month. I get up every morning, and often work overtime during the weekend too, I respond to emails, write research papers, spend time in a lab coat and gloves, and go home feeling exhausted, just like you.

When asked what I was studying during my first year at university, I remember someone replying, “Science? Okay, well unless you go all the way to a PhD, you won’t end up making money”. Well, I’m here now, doing the PhD, and guess what? Those same people are now telling me to find a job because having a PhD makes me overqualified and nobody will want to hire me. Out of the very few that have made comments like this, ZERO have a PhD. And that’s just the point. How can I, a scientist, tell a painter to stop painting because they won’t find a job? I have no information about painters, the careers they can have, or the places they could go.

Please stop asking me, “When will you finish studying?” because, like you, I have no idea! I take it day-by-day, one experiment at a time. And I love it, one of the best parts of my PhD is the flexibility. But along with that, comes self-discipline.

So, you might be wondering after all has been said, why do I want to do this PhD, what’s so special about it? Well, a PhD is the most personal choice one can make. NOBODY can force you into it, or out of it (although some circumstances can get the better of us). Believe it or not, I am not doing a PhD to stay in academia or research. Instead, I have plans to graduate and move into a scientific corporate or industry setting as quickly as possible. So why am I doing a PhD if I have no intention of continuing with lab research? Again, that’s the point.

Society believes that if you’re doing a PhD that means 2 things: you’re becoming a lecturer OR you’re going to be in a lab for the rest of your life. Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with those 2 options but doing a PhD means you have the ability to LEARN, be flexible, manage multiple projects and handle large sets of data while designing and implementing changes to the project over time.

There are so many skills and techniques that you end up leaving with once you’re done with your PhD, that you can work at the highest possible position because of your capabilities and that’s something that I hope to achieve.

A PhD is not just a degree, it’s a life skill that only a handful of people are privileged to have (Okay, I’ll stop the glorifying here, we all know that there are some toxic parts of a PhD too!).

Regards,

The PhD student

P.S. Shoutout to my family who have always and continue to support me 😊

So, I hope these words coming straight from a PhD student help you to understand the value of doing a PhD and why unsolicited advice from those without PhDs should be taken with a pinch of salt. Throughout the few conversations I have had with professionals that have a PhD, they have only ever given me a “thumbs up”.

I remain positive that in a couple of years, if not soon, my PhD will push me up as high as I can possibly go, not because of the “Dr” title, but because of the skills and tenacity that my PhD has and continues to give me.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for over 10 years, and I knew the potential threat a PhD might pose to my mental health before I had even started. It’s no secret that the culture of overworking in academia, alongside experiences of bullying and discrimination, contributes to 86% of PhD students reporting marked levels of anxiety. Some students may also face the question: will I ever finish my thesis at all? In my experience, it turns out the answer was a big fat NO.

I got through the first and second years of my PhD well enough.  By the third year, however, I was barely getting out of bed unless I had to go to the laboratory — and sometimes not even then. I hardly engaged with my colleagues, and I cried in front of them more than once. I started skipping important meetings and presentations I had to deliver, and I was constantly making mistakes when it came to my work.  

In June 2021 I was admitted to Denmar, a psychiatric hospital in Pretoria, for a duration of two weeks after a mental breakdown. Admission into a hospital brought me into a therapeutic community where every aspect was designed to have a beneficial effect on me. I was protected from the outside world and the environments that have caused me so much unhappiness. Every day I was offered psychotherapy, individually and in groups, occupational therapy, recreational therapy, work therapy and therapeutic attention from various trained specialists. I was encouraged to express myself, to cry for my mental hardships, and to acknowledge that I needed help to heal. Although I was in a protected setting, I exerted myself to the limits of my ability…and so I became stronger.

Did my situation improve after I went back to the laboratory? Unfortunately, no. Even though I received the best treatment and rehabilitation, I still wasn’t strong enough to deal with the academic environment. A few months later, in April 2022, I made the final decision to deregister from my degree. I have never felt as relieved and happy as I did that day. I gave myself a chance to breathe and be free.

Now some might ask, didn’t you waste 3 years of your life? No, I don’t think I have. As academics we may forget that even though you do not have a paper calling you a graduated Doctor of Philosophy, it is very likely that you learned a few useful techniques during the journey. This is my silver lining. However incomplete my thesis was when I deregistered, I had learned how to read scientific papers, write scientifically, (nervously) present my work to others, work under stressful conditions, improve my critical thinking ,and publish my work in journals. Even outside of academia these are useful skills that will allow me to have a better chance of succeeding in my future career. I am glad that I had the chance to learn these.

I left the university with mixed feelings, however thinking back there were many achievements. I was able to generate a lot of promising results that will lead to many publications for the research group that I have left. I attended multiple online conferences, and was accepted to attend international workshops which I was unfortunately unable to attend due to the COVID-19 pandemic. This year I was accepted to attend a conference at the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta, USA, to share my findings regarding the discovery of a new virus. I worked very hard to get to that point, and even though I did not get the chance to present there, I count this as a big achievement.

Letting go of my PhD made me realize how important other things were in my life. I used to be completely preoccupied with academic commitments like writing grant proposals and submitting my work to conferences, and most of all pleasing my supervisor. I had no idea what other things I could be doing professionally if I could not be an academic. If I had any time to spend with my family and friends, it had to be planned around my schedule, availability and the mental and emotional state I was in at that current time. PhD took precedence over everything else.

Who you are as a person is more than your research interests and the hard work you have done. This is not meant to reduce the significance of what you have accomplished while getting a PhD, or the degree certificate that some will be able to receive at the end of this road. It is meant to help you realize that there are many other great things ahead of you. You might feel lost at first, but this is usually a sign that you’re embarking on a new adventure, entering an unfamiliar situation. This means more learning, growth, and self-discovery.