Posted on by ScientistSim

Don’t judge a fish by how it rides a bicycle

Today at the ripe age of 26, I learnt how to ride a bike. It was an embarrassing process. Let me first say that I can’t blame my parents for my lack of cycling skills: When I was 5, I got my first bike. I had fairy wheels and a steep hill to kill myself on but my riding days ended right there. I was far more interested in science and the world of Roald Dahl than anything that mobile death trap could offer me.

So, how many degrees does it take to learn to ride a bike? Nearly 4, it seems.

Today’s lesson started out with a valiant effort from my boyfriend holding on to the back of the bike. He tried giving me tons of useful information but naturally I ignored him. I kept insisting that, “I know how a gyroscope works thank you very much.” But maybe for the first time in my life, I just didn’t trust the science. I insisted that if those wheels managed to keep me up it was sorcery and all the billions of people who had learnt to ride a bike previously were aliens.

I was surprised at how quickly I turned on physics just because I was failing. Was I one of one of those people that only believed in science when it was convenient? After giving myself a pep talk, I tackled the problem head on. Quite literally actually – I headed straight for a wall, followed by colliding with my long-suffering significant other. This experience has taught me several important lessons:

1) Sometimes it’s embarrassing to learn new things, but what’s worse is never learning them.

2) There is nothing wrong with being a well – rounded human AND scientist; in fact it’s the only way to live. I used to think that if I did anything other than science I would be a bad researcher. But embracing the world around you is the reason we are here- to live life and be fascinated by it.

3) Trust in science. It is, in its purest form, un-opinionated and unassuming. I was wrong to doubt you, Physics.

4) Be kind to your loved ones. You never know when you might seriously maim them when you are unable to operate a break on a mountain bike.

5) Let go of the labels that define you. I was the nerdy, sarcastic, smart person who was incompetent at any physical activity. Except I’m not – I can ride a bike well(ish). I used to be a disaster in the kitchen but it was only because I told myself I was. Now I cook all the time and do it pretty darn well. Who knows, maybe I’ll be Tour de Francing one day.

6) Be kind to yourself. That spills over into your PhD too. Don’t kill yourself trying to reinvent the wheel. Stand on the shoulders of giants, then get a little taller and let others stand on yours.

7) Life is for the living. Being a scientist means always seeking out new things and interrogating them. While many scientists do this in their work life they don’t always do it away from the pipette. Try to be the kind of person who fully embraces their life, even when it’s hard and little children mock you. Remember that you can drive a car and don’t rely on mom to chaperone.

Ultimately it didn’t matter how many degrees I had. It didn’t matter that I’m accomplished in many areas of my life. Don’t judge a fish by its ability to ride a bicycle. This is the proverbial fish signing off.

Posted on by Odi · 2 Comments

Confronting the Imposter in the Mirror

This season of my life has been particularly challenging; not only was getting my manuscript out of the way difficult, but also establishing myself as a researcher has been frightening.   Part of my problem is feeling like a fake and as if I don’t really belong.

As I mentioned in SAYAS profile, I took time to be a homemaker for a few years before deciding to embark on my doctorate and I felt that I was re-entering the field on the back foot. To be honest, the processing of getting a supervisor who believed in my project was gruelling, as most people I approached were put off by the fact that there was such a large gap in my resumé. The look on the faces of several illustrious professors when they found out that I was actually a stay-at-home parent was indescribably disheartening. Many a time I was ready to give up. My lowest moment came when I was outright rejected by my intended supervisor without him even asking about my proposed project or even reading a single thing I wrote. I eventually found someone who was willing to take me on but that was just the first part of the several hurdles I would have to face — the largest being my own insecurity.

Gill Corkindale describes the imposter syndrome as being “as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success”. I think her definition is pretty accurate but doesn’t capture something that is making academia a particularly unfriendly environment – the academy as a whole does not easily accommodate outsiders. And women are still the primary outsiders. I say this because I realised over the years that as a woman, you are constantly trying to prove your intelligence in male-dominated fields, and in a millisecond, the value of your contribution can be diminished by a senior male colleague making careless statements such as “the doors would fly open because there are few women in the field” or “we need a female to meet our gender requirement”. Such remarks lessen the value of your contribution and creates the impression that the only reason that you are there is because you happen to be a woman and not because you are capable. Moreover, if you are not careful, such insidious remarks bury themselves deep in your psyche and you begin to doubt your ability.

I believe the academy at times frowns on outliers. Even though universities are the supposed homes to critical thinkers, I have personally seen higher education institutions repeatedly shoving people into epistemic and behavioural boxes. It is only when you have a truly progressive dean or head of department, that you are able to explore your research and self-presentation from non-traditional angles. Without such overt support, your self-esteem will be further eroded: at the best of times it’s difficult to think in a new way, and critical thinking needs nurturing.

I recently had to present my paper to a room full of academics and policy practitioners and I spent days hoping that I would fall sick so that someone else read my paper. Luckily, I came across TED talk on YouTube by Professor Amy Cuddy titled “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are”. She basically argued that how you carry yourself affects not only how you feel about yourself but also your ultimate performance. In the remaining 48 hours before the talk I decided to put some of her suggestions into practice, I worked on some of the power poses that she suggests and I must admit that I felt very authoritative (but still a tad nervous) when the day came. I was confident on the podium, and for the first time in a long while I felt as if I belonged. And I started to see a change in myself.

I know it will be a while before my new-found confidence will become truly part of me. But right now I’m walking the walk, and it’s really boosting my self-esteem. Call me an optimist but I do believe that there will be a future in academia where women  will not have to pretend confidence in the face of constant micro-aggression and bias. Change starts with refusing to suffer in silence.