Posted on by Odi · 2 Comments

Confronting the Imposter in the Mirror

This season of my life has been particularly challenging; not only was getting my manuscript out of the way difficult, but also establishing myself as a researcher has been frightening.   Part of my problem is feeling like a fake and as if I don’t really belong.

As I mentioned in SAYAS profile, I took time to be a homemaker for a few years before deciding to embark on my doctorate and I felt that I was re-entering the field on the back foot. To be honest, the processing of getting a supervisor who believed in my project was gruelling, as most people I approached were put off by the fact that there was such a large gap in my resumé. The look on the faces of several illustrious professors when they found out that I was actually a stay-at-home parent was indescribably disheartening. Many a time I was ready to give up. My lowest moment came when I was outright rejected by my intended supervisor without him even asking about my proposed project or even reading a single thing I wrote. I eventually found someone who was willing to take me on but that was just the first part of the several hurdles I would have to face — the largest being my own insecurity.

Gill Corkindale describes the imposter syndrome as being “as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success”. I think her definition is pretty accurate but doesn’t capture something that is making academia a particularly unfriendly environment – the academy as a whole does not easily accommodate outsiders. And women are still the primary outsiders. I say this because I realised over the years that as a woman, you are constantly trying to prove your intelligence in male-dominated fields, and in a millisecond, the value of your contribution can be diminished by a senior male colleague making careless statements such as “the doors would fly open because there are few women in the field” or “we need a female to meet our gender requirement”. Such remarks lessen the value of your contribution and creates the impression that the only reason that you are there is because you happen to be a woman and not because you are capable. Moreover, if you are not careful, such insidious remarks bury themselves deep in your psyche and you begin to doubt your ability.

I believe the academy at times frowns on outliers. Even though universities are the supposed homes to critical thinkers, I have personally seen higher education institutions repeatedly shoving people into epistemic and behavioural boxes. It is only when you have a truly progressive dean or head of department, that you are able to explore your research and self-presentation from non-traditional angles. Without such overt support, your self-esteem will be further eroded: at the best of times it’s difficult to think in a new way, and critical thinking needs nurturing.

I recently had to present my paper to a room full of academics and policy practitioners and I spent days hoping that I would fall sick so that someone else read my paper. Luckily, I came across TED talk on YouTube by Professor Amy Cuddy titled “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are”. She basically argued that how you carry yourself affects not only how you feel about yourself but also your ultimate performance. In the remaining 48 hours before the talk I decided to put some of her suggestions into practice, I worked on some of the power poses that she suggests and I must admit that I felt very authoritative (but still a tad nervous) when the day came. I was confident on the podium, and for the first time in a long while I felt as if I belonged. And I started to see a change in myself.

I know it will be a while before my new-found confidence will become truly part of me. But right now I’m walking the walk, and it’s really boosting my self-esteem. Call me an optimist but I do believe that there will be a future in academia where women  will not have to pretend confidence in the face of constant micro-aggression and bias. Change starts with refusing to suffer in silence.

Posted on by ScientistSim

Supervision: May the force be with you

Academia is first and foremost a teaching environment. Many people that pass through its fickle doors are earning higher degrees and those that mentor them must have a strong stomach. The supervisor-student relationship is a strange one. I, being a complete nerd, like to think of my supervisors as Yoda guiding the innocent clueless Padawan through the minefield of poorly devised experiments and failed controls. Of course, I am Luke Skywalker in this scenario.

jedi knights academics
From phdcomics.com – a must-read to retain your sanity!

I have been lucky to only experience only one bad mentor — an undergraduate advisor who made me so terrified of doing a PCR that I still suffer from post-tramatic stress disorder. In my Honours year I was supervised by a vibrant Cuban woman who truly has one of the best scientific minds I’ve ever encountered. She was always 20 steps ahead of me, which was excellent because I had no idea what I was doing. She spoke like a freight train and on that basis we did have some comical misunderstandings. Often I would just nod and then panic because I would realise that “Put those precious samples in the kitchen” couldn’t be what she meant. Then one day she told me to sit down (probably because she knew I was prone to the dramatics) – she had some bad news. She was emigrating to Aus and I needed to finish without her there. A lesser supervisor would have left and never looked back. But every week for the duration of my course, I had Skype calls with her. We spent time on Skype practicing for my presentations and copious emails back and forth as if she was in the next room. Other senior scientists in my lab also helped me  — It takes a lab to raise a scientist… This advisor was the one who taught me all the skills I needed to know in 3 months and it was glorious. I never felt orphaned and was grateful that I had her.  The best piece of advice I had from her is, “It’s ok to be slow now Simone but some of us remain slow. Don’t be one of those people, those people get eaten.” That last word may have been “beaten” (the Cuban accent still had me occasionally confused).

I have been fortunate for both my Masters and my PhD to have the same 2 supervisors who truly have my back. I have always been the one student doing things that are not the direct focus of our laboratory and my supervisors have always tried to give me the best resources and contacts. In a female-led lab, it has been a great privilege to see the success of my supervisors in a field dominated by males. With one supervisor rushing off to do the Duzi or climb another mountain and the other having the most incredible shoe collection with 3 very cute kids (she says I’m her 4th), I feel I have access to wide perspectives not only one in terms of science but in terms of  life.

I have realised that a supervisor is not just someone who is science smart but is someone who is willing to make time for you. Having an open door policy is imperative. Being hard on your student so that they don’t crumble when the science world gets tough is also important. Good supervisors never put their names on things that are sub-par and neither should you. The best line from my current supervisor? “Yes well science isn’t easy. Doing a PhD is like producing a really potent antibody. It’s how many mutations you can take in order to target lots of things.”(This is alluding to a process called somatic hypermutation, check out this video for an explanation.) She knows how to be tough on me. I hope it’s because she sees potential in me! It seems that supervision is a bit like parenting: you can mould and mould your little ball of clay but it is unclear at the start whether your masterpiece will be a wonky vase that your 5 year old made or a beautiful work of art.

Mentoring is something everyone has to do in academia and the truth of the matter is that not everyone is a good advisor. What you as a student need to remember is that you are ultimately the person that picks your supervisor. Don’t pick on fame/name alone; read the work your supervisors have been involved in and critically assess whether this person will want to see you grow or wilt in their shadow. You want to become part of a research family, not war zone. (For other good guidelines on picking a supervisor see this great article by Tara Brabazon.) So as is the case with most things in my life, I will end with another Star Wars reference; choose a Jedi, not a Sith lord to be your supervisor. The Dark Side may have more street cred, but the Light Side, well, they have publications.