For as long as I can remember, I have been the type of person to dive in deep and struggle to come back from a bad habit. I spend so much time watching movies, I rarely have regular meals and I spend so much money that a savings account is non-existent in my life. I did not list my drinking problem here, because the past month has been a continuous — and so far successful — mission to curb that thirst. Truth be told, thanks goes to the gruesome “JanuWorry” we are emerging from; the struggle has been real and helpful! Jokes aside though, I am proud of how I have handled myself this month, for the first time in a while. Change is imminent!
After a Saturday of heavy drinking towards the end of 2017, I decided, with a friend of mine, to challenge myself to quit drinking in this New Year. Well, maybe I should rather attempt to have an occasional beer here and there … just in case the whole quitting thing doesn’t work. In all honesty, this is definitely not the first time setting such a challenge for myself. In the previous years, I would set small challenges like not drinking for a month. In these times, I lost more often than I won. The difference between then and now is that I have now seen the bad side to my drinking – one I would not want to ever see again. Also, after almost being brutally beaten up in a fight while drunk, I have decided that this is a change I really need in my life. Thus I have devised an action plan to combat my drinking problem. The plan includes:
- Keeping super busy. Apart from blogging, I have started a mentoring program to interest first year students into research.
- Joining the gym and finding new hobbies.
- Avoiding things that can trigger heavy drinking. This includes staying away from places or activities that promote heavy drinking.
- Practice saying “No!” I will apply this concept in many areas of my life. I have been previously described as a “Yes man”, that man has to go!
- Find better ways to manage stress. Such as talking to friends and family more.
I realize that this change will come at a cost, but it is do-able nevertheless.
I have witnessed firsthand how alcohol can damage and control people’s lives. I grew up in an area where most father figures (including my own father) were serious alcoholics, even today some still are. Being the people’s person that I am, I was liked by all those fathers and the feeling was mutual, considering that their drunkenness loosened their pockets. I would always hang around where they drank, got a few coins, but never did I imagine that someday that person could be me. The thought of being addicted to alcohol after seeing what it has done to many of the men I grew up admiring — intelligent men with dreams and aspirations — terrifies me more now that I’m halfway through my PhD studies. I cannot afford to screw up now.
I have very few memories of my father being sober (he passed away when I was still young). The time he spent drunk took away all the happy thoughts I could have had of him, all the advice he could have given me about life and how to better handle myself as a man. I believe this is possibly the case with the average Kasi kid out there. Where I grew up, the typical child did not have someone to advise them through their life experiences, hence many of them have turned out to be the same alcoholics as their fathers were. As much as this is not reason enough for one to fail, it is clear that the cycle of alcoholism is one of the problems in the Kasi. However, I believe that there is never a good enough reason for you to stay in a situation that is not good for you.
Our fathers probably had a lot of time on their hands, they did not have work, leaving them with a lot of time. I believe drinking was a way of passing time — time they could have spent imparting wisdom to us, ensuring that we don’t end up like them. The same can happen when you are doing your masters or PhD studies. You find yourself with too much time on your hands (as you are the one in control of your time) and drinking becomes a way to pass time as well. Later, when things do not go right with research, we realise that we never had that much time to begin with. We start stressing and still use alcohol as a tool of stress alleviation (at least that’s the case with me).
I like to think I am not an alcoholic yet and that I have better control than otata endikhule phambi’kwabo (the fathers I grew up looking up to), and as such, I really want to quit drinking this year – while I still have control over it. I feel that it’s important for me to quit before it becomes a bad habit that disturbs those around me, before I hurt someone or develop an alcohol related disease. This is an addiction that can kill me someday. Most importantly, I want to quit drinking before it takes up my time, time that I could have spent chasing my dreams and being around the people I claim to love like most of the men I grew up looking up to.
6 thoughts on “Alcoholism: The plight of our father figures”
Great post! Your insight will serve you well! I hope you’ll come by my blog & have a look around. Sobriety isn’t so bad
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Thank you Abbie! I will definetely check it out…Have a wonderful day going further.
I relate to father’s not being present, staring down the neck of a bottle. It has made me so allergic to failure once I decide to take something on, like my PhD. Which can make it harder to enjoy the journey. I can just imagine the immense weight of the words you tell yourself – “by all means I must succeed”. I haven’t had your particular struggles but I can totally see how the fear of failure can make you run to a destructive habit even more. I hope your mentoring etc will give you a sense of achievement also, which you need to stay inspired and complete your PhD. Rooting for ya!
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Those are wonderful words sis’Mamothena, always happy to find someone who can relate, no matter how bad the situation. Would love to hear your full story one day and how you’ve went about to break that cycle. Have you found peace? How are your PhD studies going?
Yes pretty much. Not in the sense that I never get stressed or think about the past or get caught up in present challenges. But in the sense that I feel in control. I have found a way to look at the positive side of life in general (not necessarily every circumstance); and I do practical things like maintain the hobbies that give me a sense of accomplishment. Which is so necessary because the milestones on the PhD journey can seem so few and far in between. The PhD studies are alright…but I don’t like to talk about it lol! 🙂
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I should try your strategy. See if it works for me too, but all will will be fine, I don’t doubt it.