Posted on by Mbuyi Shadrack

Putting things into perspective

Last month my blog focused on appreciating the loved ones in our lives. Well, I thought this month I should share stories of what, specifically, has inspired that blog.

Mbuyi njoying the fresh air of the ocean during a field excursion
Me, enjoying the fresh ocean air during a field excursion

My late mother, with her unending support for what I do, never understood what I was studying or even why I went into postgraduate studies. In her mind the journey was supposed to be linear—finish basic education, go to university, finish your degree and go to work. I did not blame her though; this is what I was also told growing up, like it was some sort of convention. When I finished my first degree (2016) she was over the moon with excitement. I was too; my hard work had finally paid off.

In January of 2017 I got a call offering me a permanent job. I had a choice to make, between pursuing my postgraduate education, or taking up a stable job. It was not just my personal choice. I had to involve a lot of people. My mother was one, my prospective supervisors, my mentors, and I really needed to step back and think hard about the situation at home. Often, I have discovered, there is a thin line between what we want in life and what we are expected to do. I chose to explain to my mother why I was opting for postgraduate studies and made a conscious decision to turn down the job offer. To this day this was the best decision I ever made—although it did come with its own challenges.

One of these challenges was balancing my academic life and my social life. I did not realise that my social life was suffering until I was reminded. Before the reminder came through, my mother fell sick in the early months of last year. I was devastated and stressed out most of the time. It was making sure that my academics were up to par on one hand and taking care of mom on the other. When she got critical it became worse: I literally just split my time between studying and taking care of her. How I survived such immense stress was always because of her words to me when I decided to go for postgraduate studies:

“If it is something that you want to do, will make you happy and will ensure that the goals you have for your life you can achieve, then go and do it. Remember to be your best.”

It is these words that encouraged me to stay even after her passing. My goals alone (wonderful as they are) would not have given me the strength to go on.

Then: A friend of mine came to visit earlier this year, staying at my house for a week. This was a reminder about my broken social cycles. The conversations that we had about my journey, his experiences as a freshman, how much he valued our friendship and his questions around my time management all made me realize that I invested so much time in trying to exceed academic expectations that I paid little attention to anything else. Not that working hard is  a bad thing — but maybe the frustrations and stress would have been less intense had I just spent some time with people who care.

Having a great time with friends on campus during the academic break
Having a great time with friends on campus during the academic break

Most of the time during these conversations I got to think about all the messages and calls that I got on New Year’s Day. Some people there I hadn’t spoken to in months. This journey really is full of miracles.

So I’ve decided that from today onwards I will continue to do my very best academically and work every day to achieve my goals. Most importantly, however, I am going to put some time aside to spend with my family and friends. These people have sustained me and while working on my dream, I am going to make sure I take them with, so that I regret nothing when I look back.

 

Posted on by lutshwenya · 6 Comments

Alcoholism: The plight of our father figures

For as long as I can remember, I have been the type of person to dive in deep and struggle to come back from a bad habit. I spend so much time watching movies, I rarely have regular meals and I spend so much money that a savings account is non-existent in my life.  I did not list my drinking problem here, because the past month has been a continuous — and so far successful — mission to curb that thirst. Truth be told, thanks goes to the gruesome “JanuWorry” we are emerging from; the struggle has been real and helpful! Jokes aside though, I am proud of how I have handled myself this month, for the first time in a while. Change is imminent!

After a Saturday of heavy drinking towards the end of 2017, I decided, with a friend of mine, to challenge myself to quit drinking in this New Year. Well, maybe I should rather attempt to have an occasional beer here and there … just in case the whole quitting thing doesn’t work. In all honesty, this is definitely not the first time setting such a challenge for myself. In the previous years, I would set small challenges like not drinking for a month. In these times, I lost more often than I won. The difference between then and now is that I have now seen the bad side to my drinking – one I would not want to ever see again. Also, after almost being brutally beaten up in a fight while drunk, I have decided that this is a change I really need in my life. Thus I have devised an action plan to combat my drinking problem. The plan includes:

  1. Keeping super busy. Apart from blogging, I have started a mentoring program to interest first year students into research.
  2. Joining the gym and finding new hobbies.
  3. Avoiding things that can trigger heavy drinking. This includes staying away from places or activities that promote heavy drinking.
  4. Practice saying “No!” I will apply this concept in many areas of my life. I have been previously described as a “Yes man”, that man has to go!
  5. Find better ways to manage stress. Such as talking to friends and family more.

I realize that this change will come at a cost, but it is do-able nevertheless.

I have witnessed firsthand how alcohol can damage and control people’s lives. I grew up in an area where most father figures (including my own father) were serious alcoholics, even today some still are. Being the people’s person that I am, I was liked by all those fathers and the feeling was mutual, considering that their drunkenness loosened their pockets. I would always hang around where they drank, got a few coins, but never did I imagine that someday that person could be me. The thought of being addicted to alcohol after seeing what it has done to many of the men I grew up admiring — intelligent men with dreams and aspirations — terrifies me more now that I’m halfway through my PhD studies. I cannot afford to screw up now.

I have very few memories of my father being sober (he passed away when I was still young). The time he spent drunk took away all the happy thoughts I could have had of him, all the advice he could have given me about life and how to better handle myself as a man. I believe this is possibly the case with the average Kasi kid out there. Where I grew up, the typical child did not have someone to advise them through their life experiences, hence many of them have turned out to be the same alcoholics as their fathers were. As much as this is not reason enough for one to fail, it is clear that the cycle of alcoholism is one of the problems in the Kasi. However, I believe that there is never a good enough reason for you to stay in a situation that is not good for you.

Our fathers probably had a lot of time on their hands, they did not have work, leaving them with a lot of time. I believe drinking was a way of passing time — time they could have spent imparting wisdom to us, ensuring that we don’t end up like them. The same can happen when you are doing your masters or PhD studies. You find yourself with too much time on your hands (as you are the one in control of your time) and drinking becomes a way to pass time as well. Later, when things do not go right with research, we realise that we never had that much time to begin with. We start stressing and still use alcohol as a tool of stress alleviation (at least that’s the case with me).

I like to think I am not an alcoholic yet and that I have better control than otata endikhule phambi’kwabo (the fathers I grew up looking up to), and as such, I really want to quit drinking this year – while I still have control over it. I feel that it’s important for me to quit before it becomes a bad habit that disturbs those around me, before I hurt someone or develop an alcohol related disease. This is an addiction that can kill me someday. Most importantly, I want to quit drinking before it takes up my time, time that I could have spent chasing my dreams and being around the people I claim to love like most of the men I grew up looking up to.