Posted on by lutshwenya · 8 Comments

Stumbling blocks of an “A” student

I have never been the type to be stressed over good grades, after all I’ve always been my teachers’ favourite throughout my academic life. This was not because I was smart, but simply because I was above average in terms of working hard. Because of this, I can’t remember a single grade where I was not the teacher’s pet; and whenever awards were handed out, or when a school event needed an “A” student’s face … it was usually ME!

One of my greatest moments in life was in fourth grade, when I was called to present an essay I had written in front of hundreds of people. I believe that it was at this point that I fell in love with writing and public speaking, although I do neither one of those things today.

My undergraduate studies were no different from school — I picked right up from where I left off and even did way better, if I may say so myself! Out of the 26 subjects I was registered for, I passed 24 (!) with distinction. My fellow mates nicknamed me 100, and yes, I was that 100% student. Publicly, I was not fond of the name, but secretly, I loved the respect that it came with.

Fast forward to Master’s, did I not see FLAMES!!! I don’t know whether it was a change in environment — I moved from the rural Walter Sisulu University (WSU) in the Eastern Cape to the oh so metropolitan University of Johannesburg (UJ) — or if it was having my heart broken a month before that big move. The stress and pressure were just overwhelming. UJ is a very diverse university, proclaimed the epicenter of PAN-Africanism and with that comes students from various backgrounds, nationalities and status, and (the horror!)… I was met with other “teachers’ favourites”. These students had been awarded opportunities to come study in South Africa, as they were all top students in their respective countries, just as I was at WSU. This immense competition led to me doubting my capabilities and losing motivation and confidence. As a result, my productivity dropped. My supervisor was also not so easy to impress and as much as he believed in me, his support did not help much.

crawl
Photo credit: http://uproxx.com/life/crawling-hot-new-fitness-trend/

I had to find the means to deal with all the stress I was feeling, and unfortunately, I found myself running to the good ol’ bottle. Alcohol felt like my only way out; after all, everyone I was doing research with was indulging as well. These people also had their own problems, and even though we didn’t share our issues, it felt good drinking together. Before I knew it, a weekend of drinking turned into a few glasses during the week and eventually I was downing a full bottle in a day alone. Everyone knew that I loved my wine, but they didn’t realise just how much I was drinking. As justification for my drinking habit, I looked to the very public knowledge that most academics were alcoholics. I felt justified to indulge. However, I was falling behind in my work. I honestly don’t think that it was entirely because of the booze, but also a belief that I had lost my sense of thinking, which is key in my area of research – brilliant ideas need people who can think.  

Although I couldn’t think straight, I don’t think I was depressed. This is because I did not have all the other symptoms associated with depression such as constant sadness, guilt, suicidal thoughts etc. Of course, there have been moments I felt like I was losing my mind, moments I felt numb and so agitated. I wanted this journey to be over so badly. But every time I thought of where I came from I pushed myself even harder. The transition from a small town to a big city is never easy and this is something most people don’t get. Despite my alcohol and women problems, I drew strength from the fact that I had a mother and siblings in the Eastern Cape who constantly looked up to me, that alone became my push factor.  I managed to pass my Master’s degree cum laude!

I have now embarked on my PhD journey and as much as I have not found a proper solution to my problems, I am managing, and I strongly believe that my journey will continue as I continue to flourish as an academic. Let’s see where Chemistry and a creative outlet like blogging takes me this year…

Posted on by mamothena

So, what brings you here?

When I meet another person pursuing their PhD, I am almost always tempted to ask them, “So, what brings you here?” This might actually interest me more than their research topic. I exaggerate, but it’s something I think about quite a lot.  This interest in other people’s motivations might stem from my own preoccupation with why I am pursuing a PhD. The answer to this depends on how my research is going 🙂

hows research
Not my advisers, of course… 🙂

I decided to do my PhD when I realized that I could not wait the indefinite number of years required to become an expert in Public Health. Building expertise through experience in Public Health is tricky because the field is so broad. In my short career, I had already worked as a community health researcher, a program assistant, and an analyst in two unrelated fields. The Masters in Public Health degree I held was multifaceted enough to allow this.  This was a blessing and a curse. On the one hand you need a job, and a generalist degree allows you to secure one much easier: on the other hand, you need deeper technical knowledge and a stable trajectory to build expertise in a field. And since we all need jobs, the market largely dictates where we end up.  In African public health, donor interests and political whims sway policy and dictate whether your sub-field is hot or not.

If you are like me and prefer to delve deep into your area of interest, jumping from one random job (however interesting it may be) to another can be seriously stressful. And, honestly, I’d already realized during my Masters that I am attracted to practice that had a heavy research component to it. The broad coursework was interesting but the most enjoyable part of my Masters in Public Health was the thesis year. I finally got to choose a topic I liked, and conducted research that contributed some knowledge to the world. I published and I was hooked. I knew that I loved research and wanted to do more of it. As my early career trajectory oscillated somewhat uncontrollably between unrelated public health fields, from infectious disease epidemiology to health market analysis, I knew that I needed to pause. I needed to go back to the basics, shut out the noise, and find my happy niche in the minefield that is Public Health. Something I wouldn’t mind dedicating years of training to, fighting for opportunities and innovating.

I’m not sure what works for others…

 

reasons
Definitely don’t do it to be called “Doctor!”

Apparently you shouldn’t do a PhD get out of a bad job or find one, simply to be called “Doctor”, or to impress your friends/colleagues/family. In South Africa, I would venture to say, you should also not do it simply because the government is eyeing your demographic group for some sweet, sweet funding.  All of these things are real motivations for people to pursue a PhD, however. Do you fall in any of them, and do you think it affects how you work at all? Because sometimes I wonder if the reasons for doing a PhD really matter, in the grand scheme of things. If you are putting in the work, do your motivations really make a difference?  A completed PhD dissertation, done for the right or wrong reasons, is a completed PhD dissertation. Right?

“A completed PhD dissertation, done for the right or wrong reasons, is a completed Phd dissertation”

A PhD is balanced with so many other demands in our lives. If you are me, these include young children, a rising cost of living, and the constant pull of exciting opportunities “out there”. And then I have to wonder if my personal motivation, the intrinsic pull towards knowledge, is going to be enough?