Every person mistakes the limits of their field of vision for the limits of the world

This July, Durban played host to their second International AIDS conference. This is the biggest and most publicised of the HIV conferences, with the likes of Elton John and Prince Harry showing up to support the cause. This meeting is not really recognised for its pure scientific nature, but is regarded in our lab as something everyone should attend at least once. The goal of the meeting is really to bring social issues to the fore: interventions, activism and policy to improve the lives of those affected. Ultimately for basic scientists, it’s about gaining a wider perspective about the work we do, the impact we make and to motivate us to work harder to lighten the burden South Africa has borne for so many years. But the world of activism, especially celebrity activism, is also a world that could learn from science.

Charlize Theron spoke at the conference saying several things that upset me. The media raved about her speech saying she certainly didn’t sugarcoat anything – as if we don’t know how bad the epidemic is already. I think one of the things that upset me most was this, “The real reason we haven’t beaten the epidemic boils down to one simple fact: We value some lives more than others.” I do not deny that this is a very real issue in the world today; but I truly don’t agree that this is why we haven’t beaten the epidemic. It is easy to get swept up in this statement and feel some guilt as a privileged and fairly happy PhD student who lives life with a clean bill of health (apart from sleep deprivation), but I am worried that a statement like this really works against scientists.

There are legitimate and horrifying biological challenges that we face with this formidable foe. HIV adapts so rapidly our immune systems can’t keep up. About 20% of people develop amazing antibodies that can target 90% of the circulating virus but because this only happens 3 years after infection, this doesn’t help the person at all. We have had 6 HIV vaccine trials, none of which have done any better than 31% protection. The virus integrates into the person’s DNA, which makes a complete cure very difficult. We have cured one man by completely irradiating him twice and nearly killing him and we have thought we cured one baby by giving it ARVs in the first hours of its life (it has since rebounded), with little knowledge about how it will affect it over life. Please understand that the dearth of progress is not for lack of trying or because scientists are secretly plotting against adolescent women.

We simply have not figured it out yet.  Even with incredible education, support and dedication by some truly wonderful people in this country, there continues to be a barrage of infections. While social behaviours and injustices definitely help spread the disease, the ONLY thing that will stop it is a vaccine or a cure. It sounds noble to try and reinvent social interactions (a goal that must be pursued in our lifetime) but this is not what brings about a real-world cure to a horrible disease. Polio swept the world several times throughout history. Do you know when they stopped it? When they found a vaccine! (Read about other diseases defeated by vaccines here.)

The second thing that bothered me in Charlize’s talk, “I know this because AIDS does not discriminate on its own. It has no biological preference for black bodies, for women’s bodies, for gay bodies, for youth or for the poor. It doesn’t single out the vulnerable, the oppressed, or the abused.” This isn’t true: the disease does discriminate. Women are biologically more likely than men to contract the disease (read this link for an in-depth analysis and click here for a simplified version), and routes of transmission make gay men in particular vulnerable to infection. I understand what she is trying to say, but to a scientist these statements are incorrect and are once again, making the point that AIDS is only a social disease. People will never perceive themselves to be in a socially-constructed high-risk category. Many of the people I know own cars that they drive every day (a truly high-risk activity!) and not one of them wears a crash helmet.

Charlize later went on to say that we “have all the tools to end HIV.” And we don’t. The fact is education and empowerment doesn’t work completely. We need an intervention that people will not have to think about. How seriously do you worry about Pertussis every day or dying from Mumps? Everyone has access to these vaccines and that is what we need to do for AIDS. I agree completely with Baron Peter Piot (a researcher from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine) when he spoke at the same conference, “We need to stop saying that we have the tools to end the HIV and AIDs epidemic, until we have a cure or a vaccine- then we can say that.”

I wouldn’t want any young person to listen to Charlize Theron’s speech and assume that there is any lack of urgency in the scientific field because the disease is not prevalent in the white upper class. We are facing a terrible enemy and while we know a lot about it, it keeps coming up with clever ways to evade our advances. The world could always do with improvement. Young girls should think they are better than their relationships and can go on to live an HIV-free life. I applaud people trying to change this. Ultimately though, scientists are dedicated to making a vaccine for everyone. It, much like ARVs, will shape the lives of people much more quickly than changing social perceptions can. It would be easier if we could just give an injection that would bridge the social divide, but then again, I am a scientist looking out of scientist goggles, with potentially limited eyesight.

Calenture: when you start to go adrift during PhD

Before my PhD journey I heard stories of the depression and sheer mental exhaustion that you may experience whilst pursuing this degree. I thought I had understood the feeling and to a large extent beat it with my numerous schedules and plans.   To quote Robert Burns: “The best laid schemes of mice and men, go oft astray.” Which basically means that no matter how fantastic your plans, something will still go wrong- and in my case it did, spectacularly.

Everything came to a head about a month ago when I had to make cosmetic changes to my final thesis manuscript. The changes that should have taken me an afternoon took weeks. I would open my laptop and look at it and forget how to do simple things such as change the font in my manuscript. I kept getting very terrible colds, which is unlike me, and I was a teary mess.

I realised then that I was suffering from PhD-induced blues and was teetering on the edge of depression.

I want to share four helpful things that have managed to get me to slowly emerge from this funk.

First things first, talk to someone. The best person to talk to is a mental health professional or your pastor /spiritual guide. Talking is therapeutic, especially if it is someone who is level headed and has your best interests in mind. I did speak to my loved ones about aspects of what I was feeling and trying to pinpoint some of the root causes.

Second, is focus on self –care. I realised that in my quest to finish my work I was no longer looking after myself. I had stopped exercising, eating healthily or even drinking water. I subsisted on my kid’s left overs, sour jellybeans and coffee. And for the longest time this didn’t bother me because all my colleagues were doing the same. But my melt-down forced me to change. I’m making little changes every day, the first being drinking water and minimising caffeine. Scheduling self-care has given me a better outlook on life and a lot more energy to get things done.

Third, do a little bit at a time: don’t convince yourself you can do it all with one big effort. I made a list of things that I had to do and tried to achieve them in 15-minute chunks- I got the idea from Jon Acuff’s Do Over challenge. To be honest, some days are better than others, but I managed to get my manuscript done and hopefully the examiners are kind and don’t require me to do too many revisions.
Lastly, help someone else. It sounds really crazy when you are time-pressed and tapped out, but it really does make a difference to your sense of well being. Being kind to someone else is a great reminder that the world does not revolve around your PhD. I am not talking about doing research work for free. I’m talking about doing things like charity work, or even something as simple as helping someone move house or donating your previously loved clothing to a worthy cause. Great opportunities are available with Stop Hunger and BetterSA, but there are many fantastic options available. Just be careful that this doesn’t become another form of procrastination.

I am still on this journey for the next few months, as I wait for the examiners’ reports and produce the journal article I need for graduation. I have learnt that during a monumental project such as PhD, self care is important and its ok not to always be ok.