Posted on by ijeomaopara · 1 Comment

Speaking to the soul (amongst other things)

A year and a half into this PhD journey, I am at that stage where I can see where I fulfilled the goals I set, and the ones that have to be adjusted. Between me, myself and I, everything feels a bit messy lump of tangled deadlines that seem to grow longer with each passing day. But, against the backdrop of having presented at local and international conferences this month, making worthwhile connections within my field, and meeting some amazing radical feminists, I can’t help but feel a divide between what I see and what I feel. That divide is further complicated when I consider the difference between how many of us may feel internally about our progress, and how others see our achievements. But I think for many overachievers (and people who tend to be hard on themselves), by the time you accept the one accolade, your mind has already moved on to the next thing to accomplish. 

So for this blog, I thought I could reflect on what it means to feel dissonance between who we are and how others see us. I am not the first person to have this thought, but I think it’d be worth it to look at it from my perspective. What does it mean when we are functioning at our highest self? Why do we worry about who we are around others? Especially when we’re not all meant to be in the same space? I often have to remind myself that even if it’s not exactly how I thought it would turn out at the time, that 15-year-old Ijeoma would be so amazed at this current version of Ijeoma (and slightly in awe). Someone once said that we often work to make our inner child happy, and I can’t help but feel like this is the most important thing to me regardless of what I do. My funny, thoughtful, caring side deserves tending to, which means letting go of trying to extend that to everyone you come across. Making others comfortable in a space is a very valuable skill, but it took some time to realise that one does not have to centre your life around being universally palatable. 

It’s also not lost on me that August is Women’s Month in South Africa. When I reflect on what empowerment means to me today, it no longer holds weight when I think about my womanhood. Especially when we see how empowerment serves as lip service to ensure inequality remains the status quo, and the word itself functions as palatable activism to achieve superficial institutional and organisational objectives and goals. Defining who I am as a woman becomes about the integrity and principle behind each action and decision that is made towards my own and others’ emancipation. And that’s where I find myself most times – attempting to fuse these floating parts that feel like they operate in isolation from each other. But the funny thing is that in most cases, everything is connected. In Japan, their philosophy of Ikigai centres around your reason for being; the thing that drives who you are, your essence and purpose. If we know that we all have individual gifts, then it makes sense that it is up to us to indulge in the life-long journey of slowly unwrapping it – and then presenting it to the world. 

So it’s okay for others not to get it. To not get you. Being an outlier shows that you contribute to society’s betterment before you may even know what your potential impact will be for years to come (it happens to many). But, staying aware of what keeps you grounded makes the reflection clearer. Nurturing and fostering a strong sense of self can help us stay on track to being part of something bigger than the perceptions of others. A sprinkle of daily gratitude doesn’t hurt either – as long as we know the only person we are ever in competition with is ourselves. 

Posted on by MukhtaarWaja · 1 Comment

How I Infiltrated Postgrad: A Guide to Conquering Imposter Syndrome

It was the summer of 2018, when I first infiltrated the prestigious halls of the University of Witwatersrand, and I’ve been lurking there ever since. Of course, I didn’t do it alone; I had a team working with me – a real skeleton crew consisting of my mother and baby brother. After all our adventures together, I don’t just think of them as my crew, I think of them as family. With their help, I successfully registered as a student at Wits University, got my grubby hands on two degrees, and no one was the wiser. You see, dear reader, I’ve been deceiving you and everyone around me for years. I know you think I’m a dashingly handsome, stunningly intelligent young man, but I am in truth, a dashingly handsome, incompetent, bumbling fool who has cunningly risen through the university ranks. I don’t deserve my position; I don’t know how I did it, but I know I conned my way into postgrad. I’m a fraud, an imposter… At least that’s what my brain tells me, and I see no reason to doubt it!

Imposter Syndrome is a condition that many postgraduate students experience, and which can be difficult to even acknowledge. It’s a condition characterised by feelings of anxiety and self-doubt, wherein the person experiencing imposter syndrome may feel that they don’t deserve their successes, that they’re a fraud. Personally, I don’t believe I’ve experienced imposter syndrome, because I’m genuinely undeserving of everything around me and I should not be trusted with responsibility. I believe the reason that imposter syndrome is so prevalent in universities – especially at postgrad level – is because university is brimming with intelligent, capable people. I am at all times surrounded by brilliant people, who are doing incredible research. I am surrounded by people who are passionate and incisive, who are uncovering truths about the world that no one knows. I am surrounded by people who have been doing this work for years – and absolutely killing it­ ­– and they feel like the imposters. All the people I look at to convince myself I don’t belong, spend a great deal of time hating their output, and feeling the exact same way.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing imposter syndrome. Self-doubt is a very human thing. Humans are social creatures, and we naturally compare ourselves to the people around us to remind ourselves how much we suck. And with the advent of social media, we can now compare ourselves with almost anyone on the planet! No longer are we limited to looking to people we know to fuel our self-loathing. Now, we can compare ourselves to people we will never meet, people who are halfway across the world; people who are upsettingly rich, and great at using photoshop, creating a perfect and unobtainable standard. It’s easier than ever to feel insecure, and unworthy of your successes, but I want you to know something, dear reader: you don’t suck. In fact, I think you’re quite cool! So, why do we feel like this, and how do we deal with it?  

Imposter syndrome relies on cognitive distortions, which are mental biases and patterns of negative thinking, which can become habitual and harm your mental wellbeing. Breaking out of these patterns of thinking can be difficult, and mending your self-perception takes effort and practice. Opening up to your friends, family and peers about your experience can be a great way to deal with imposter syndrome. For many people, it’s easier to recognise their own value when someone else points it out. External affirmations can grant you the confidence to begin believing your own affirmations, allowing you to minimise cognitive distortions, and to start changing the way you think about yourself. It will not always be easy to love and respect yourself – no matter how much of a habit you make of it, there will be bad days. But it’s still important to put in the effort to change your self-perception.

Finally, I’ve saved the worst advice for last: if nothing else works, just embrace the imposterism. You are a deceptive genius, who has tricked their way into a prestigious institution, and no one even suspects you! You should be proud of how far you’ve made it despite yourself! After all, I guarantee you that student using AI to write all of their assignments has never once felt like an imposter…