Posted on by ijeomaopara · 1 Comment

Speaking to the soul (amongst other things)

A year and a half into this PhD journey, I am at that stage where I can see where I fulfilled the goals I set, and the ones that have to be adjusted. Between me, myself and I, everything feels a bit messy lump of tangled deadlines that seem to grow longer with each passing day. But, against the backdrop of having presented at local and international conferences this month, making worthwhile connections within my field, and meeting some amazing radical feminists, I can’t help but feel a divide between what I see and what I feel. That divide is further complicated when I consider the difference between how many of us may feel internally about our progress, and how others see our achievements. But I think for many overachievers (and people who tend to be hard on themselves), by the time you accept the one accolade, your mind has already moved on to the next thing to accomplish. 

So for this blog, I thought I could reflect on what it means to feel dissonance between who we are and how others see us. I am not the first person to have this thought, but I think it’d be worth it to look at it from my perspective. What does it mean when we are functioning at our highest self? Why do we worry about who we are around others? Especially when we’re not all meant to be in the same space? I often have to remind myself that even if it’s not exactly how I thought it would turn out at the time, that 15-year-old Ijeoma would be so amazed at this current version of Ijeoma (and slightly in awe). Someone once said that we often work to make our inner child happy, and I can’t help but feel like this is the most important thing to me regardless of what I do. My funny, thoughtful, caring side deserves tending to, which means letting go of trying to extend that to everyone you come across. Making others comfortable in a space is a very valuable skill, but it took some time to realise that one does not have to centre your life around being universally palatable. 

It’s also not lost on me that August is Women’s Month in South Africa. When I reflect on what empowerment means to me today, it no longer holds weight when I think about my womanhood. Especially when we see how empowerment serves as lip service to ensure inequality remains the status quo, and the word itself functions as palatable activism to achieve superficial institutional and organisational objectives and goals. Defining who I am as a woman becomes about the integrity and principle behind each action and decision that is made towards my own and others’ emancipation. And that’s where I find myself most times – attempting to fuse these floating parts that feel like they operate in isolation from each other. But the funny thing is that in most cases, everything is connected. In Japan, their philosophy of Ikigai centres around your reason for being; the thing that drives who you are, your essence and purpose. If we know that we all have individual gifts, then it makes sense that it is up to us to indulge in the life-long journey of slowly unwrapping it – and then presenting it to the world. 

So it’s okay for others not to get it. To not get you. Being an outlier shows that you contribute to society’s betterment before you may even know what your potential impact will be for years to come (it happens to many). But, staying aware of what keeps you grounded makes the reflection clearer. Nurturing and fostering a strong sense of self can help us stay on track to being part of something bigger than the perceptions of others. A sprinkle of daily gratitude doesn’t hurt either – as long as we know the only person we are ever in competition with is ourselves. 

Posted on by Lonwabo Makapela

Thursday chit-chat: Remembering your ‘why’

Let’s have a chat. So, I recently had a very unexpected and disappointing experience in my PhD journey. So much so that I contemplated quitting my PhD. You thought I didn’t have moments like that? Well, you thought wrong, my friend. Though I might not go into too much detail on the specifics of this particular matter, I will give you enough to work with 🙂

Previously, I’d say there has only ever been one instance where I contemplated quitting my PhD. This was during my first year in the PhD learning programme, and to give some context, I began the PhD programme in the thick of COVID-19, where I found myself moving to Pretoria, attending seminars from my tiny studio apartment, having to get through multiple readings weekly, writing a thought paper based on the readings, and preparing for lengthy discussions within a PhD cohort of only two; life as I knew it and the PhD programme felt profoundly isolating. I felt like I was thrown into the deep end. As the year progressed, I felt myself getting stretched thinner and thinner as I had to prepare for seminars, ready for the long drawn 48hour exams (if you know, you know), and prepare my research proposal, all while I was applying to the highly competitive Fulbright programme, which comprised of a lengthy application process, having to write personal statements and motivations, preparing for interviews, prepare for exams such as TOEFL and GRE. But the questioning related to the continuation of my programme was primarily based on questioning whether I was cut out for this and whether I had the resilience to do a PhD. The imposter syndrome was jarring and relentless, but I have since realised that it is part and parcel of the PhD experience, so I will say that I have learned to keep pushing despite it.

Now, having returned from my Fulbright award in the U.S., many might assume that the last thing on my mind would be to quit my PhD. Well, Surprise!! It was indeed during my first few weeks back in South Africa that I was unexpectedly confronted with those thoughts. The feeling was much stronger than the previous time because it wasn’t due to doubting my abilities this time, but due to something I would have never expected, interpersonal conflict. Indeed, it is bold of me to think I wouldn’t experience conflict with those overseeing my research, and one might even say that it is inevitable to have interpersonal challenges during your postgraduate studies because research is, in fact, a collaboration. Still, having watched as many YouTube videos as I could at the beginning of both my master’s and PhD programmes to ensure that I maintained respectful and healthy relations with those I have the privilege of receiving assistance from, I’d say the hard reality I had to accept is that sometimes expectations do not align. Subsequently, your expectations of having good working relations may not be met, but this is not the end of the world.

This may have stung so much more because when I left for the U.S., I struggled with communicating my boundaries, particularly my capacity to do more than I could physically, mentally, and emotionally. This time, the burnout I was experiencing forced me to speak up, to say I could not put anything more on my plate than what I currently have. And while on such a mentally and emotionally taxing journey as a PhD, it is crucial to surround yourself with people who will understand that. Reminiscent of the disproportionate amount of Winter I experienced over the last 12 months, as mentioned in my previous blog, I left for the U.S. towards the end of our academic year in South Africa, lived in the U.S. all through their academic year only to return to South Africa halfway through our academic year again. To say that I am still exhausted would be an understatement.

Nonetheless, many lessons to learn while pursuing your postgrad have nothing to do with your degree. And these lessons come during different process phases. The lesson of my current stage is knowing and staying connected to why I started. Simon Sinek, author of the book ‘start with Why’ describes the ‘why’ as the purpose, belief or cause driving you, because knowing why you started helps you to remain loyal to the cause.

Here are a few tips I’ve learnt from life coach and YouTuber Brendon Buchard that have been helping me stay connected to my ‘why’.

1) Keep emotionally connected with what you want through daily visualisation. Do not only visualise the end goal but also what you would do if things don’t go according to plan; how do you regain the momentum?

2) Conduct weekly check-ins with yourself and score your performance and progress every week. This will help you align closely with your goals.

3) Get social support involved in what you are planning to achieve. Find people you trust and who are in your corner that you can fill in on what you plan to do, when you plan to achieve it and keep them posted on your progress. This will help to keep you accountable and to feel supported.

Ultimately and amongst other things, such as my closest people, it has been the SAYAS blogging community and a beautiful SAYAS blog post that helped me stay afloat and encouraged me to continue. I hope this chit-chat will inspire someone to stay connected to their ‘why’.